SUPER TODDLER! The Radioactive Spider Bite Theory

I think my child was bit by a radioactive kryptonian spider that was carrying the mutant gen. The result?

SUPER TODDLER!!

Complete with pink monkey cape

and kittie side kick

Ok I might be exaggerating but maybe other first time parents understand what I am talking about. My toddler has super powers!!!!To best support my theory, I will elaborate on what I have noticed.

Super Flexibility and body contortion.
This has been going on since birth. Imagine a magician doing the scarf trick. The one where they take the scarf out of their mouth and its much longer than you realize. Yea.. thats what giving birth to my daughter was like. An 8lb 8oz scarf to be exact. My vagina has been a circus joke ever since. BAHA sry but i had to go there. Nothing like some inappropriate self deprecating mother humor ;) But seriously, my little girl must've used some intense yoga positions while in the womb.The ability has developed more and more as shes grown. Give her a little sugar or try and change a diaper. Backflips and summersalts.

Liquid bones.
She can somehow command her bones to change their state of matter. I call this the"no bones method". Whats strange is that it mostly occurs in public. There are trigger word like "No no no we aren't taking that home" or "Its time to leave". By some mystical force, every bone in her body instantly liquifies. I am left to drag my limp and crying child thru the store.Forget a shopping cart. I need a wheel barrel.

The Ability to grow extra limbs.
For the long explanation, see Coaxing a cat into a bubble bath. Short version,? Octopus arms when she doesn't want to be put down.

Hulk like strength.
Just TRY and take her favorite toy or pull the dogs tail out of her hand. She strong arms me on a daily basis. I go up against an MMA fighter every time I brush her teeth, comb hair, change the diaper...etc. Did you know that babies and toddlers actually have incredible grip strength? Lets face it, taking candy from a baby is actually extremely difficult. Candy, your hair, that foreign object that they found on the ground that is NOT edible. It doesn't matter what it is. They've got it and they aren't letting go. How are those sticky little fingers so darn strong?!?!

Mind Reading.
How'd she know that I was thinking how nice it was that she didn't catch the cold that's been going around. The moment the thought crossed my mind, instant fever and runny nose. Was she listening in when I thought "oo good shes playing nicely. Maybe I can sneak in a shower"?.

Ok look, I know this is completely crazy. In reality, my daughter is actually a WIZARD!!! just kidding. My little girl is just being a child. They are like this and it gets worse as they get older. For now I just try to find the humor in the difficulties. There's a plus side though. Believe it or not, us parents get our own super powers. Maybe I'll write about that too. But not at this moment. For now I think I'll go. I've got a little superhero to chase after. Maybe I'll get my own cape and join her. Oh and I've just discovered another ability. Invisibility. Where the heck did she go?? ;) 

Coaxing a cat into a bubble bath. The stranger anxiety phase

 How many times have you smiled at a small child in public and they had an emotional breakdown? I'm talkin tears and snot!  They pleaded for protection from their parent and glared at you. I remember being mortified the first time I'd gotten this reaction. All I did was smile at them... Did they somehow catch a glimpse of the devil horns ? I thought that my headband kept those covered. I had no idea that I was out to get this kid but apparently I was... Whats even worse is when its a family member or the child of a close friend. Or just a child that you've met before. Its like one day they decided, in their tiny kid goldfish brains, that you must be punished for having the audacity to offer to hold them, talk to them or just look at them.

-Maybe they telepathically communicate with other tots like a secret army or gang. or CULT! The leader picks out an unsuspecting adult and declares them a threat! Imagine a tiny child holding a pitch fork and yelling "I saw goody proctor with the Devil! Off with their head" Now its up to the other children to stare them down with big sad baby eyes. Eventually this adult will crumble in a pile of guilt and rejection. In my brain I have combined Village of the damned, the Queen of hearts and The Crucible.. this, ladies and gentlemen, is how a.d.d works-
-end tangent-

So you've been placed on the hit list. Somewhere some child has declared you a threat and decided that you need disposal. You thought that it couldn't get anymore awkward and embarrassing. I mean, that's what I thought. Then I became the mother of that child. By the way, my child isn't just a member of the village.. Shes the FREAKIN LEADER! I Didn't see THAT one comin.


I brought her home to visit family right in the height of the "stranger danger" phase. Real smart... (sarcasm) All they wanted was smiles, kisses and cuddles. I dont blame them!! I dont mean to toot my own horn (weird phrase and I regret using it) but my daughter is pretty damn adorable. Unfortunately for them though, every single person who tried to talk to or hold my daughter, got a face full of crying and defiance. I swear I held her in my arms for the entire trip. Not by choice. Its just really hard to shake off a paranoid octopus monkey thats covered in super glue. When they want to be held, they cling HARD. They grow extra limbs to better grip your body with. Yes, I said extra limbs. Every time I tried to set that girl down it was like trying to coax a cat into a bubble bath.
Just not happening!
Bless my family though. They endured. My daughters Stranger Anxiety, was met with nothing but patience and love. For that, I thank them. By the way, thats what this stage in development is called. Stranger anxiety. Totally common and perfectly normal :)  I guess we'll see how she does next time we visit.
So being on the hit list sux but Its actually just as mortifying to have to apologize for your little assassin. And I apologize a lot. Not just for crying and making perfectly nice strangers feel bad but also for the blank poker face that makes them uncomfortable. She gets that one from her parents. Her mother suffers from Bitchy Resting Face. My poor kid. I'll have to work on mine so that I can help with hers. Practice what you teach. or preach? I dunno. Something inspirational sounding.
Before any of that though, I have to teach my daughter that people dont bite. Thats what this whole phase is about. She thinks that everyone bites and I'm not going to lie. Some of them do. Including Mommy! My teeth are sharper and I'll bite their heads off if they get near her.
Now I find myself asking which one of us is really the paranoid octopus monkey?
hmm.. Exactly!
 I wont say anything more about that ;)

Beach trip with a whole new girl.

Tigerlilys last beach trip was last summer. I don't think she actually knew where she was or what we were doing. She was a little curious but mostly passive. She did, however, scream bloody murder when we tried to put her in, or near the water. Below are pictures from that trip.

The sun is in my eyes!

Why did you dress me like a Pirate?

Thats sort of what I was expecting during our most recent trip last weekend. I was wrong. It was a completely different experience!! I knew that she'd like the water, this time, but i didn't realize just how much! That girl hit the ground RUNNIN!

Heres some helpful tips and what to expect when wrangling toddlers at the beach.
Ditch the flipflops and pack running shoes. Sure they'll gather sand but your going to be chasing your little energizer bunny all over the damn place.
Drop all preconceived ideas of what snack/lunch time will be like. Bottom line? They gonna eat sand!!
Work out your bicep muscles beforehand. Carrying the cooler, umbrella, towels etc is heavy enough. Now add your little one that will either fight like an animal or go completely limp in your arm (neither is fun to carry). 
Bring an ace bandage because your spraining that wrist fighting tooth and nail with a pair of little swimmers.
 "WHAT? Diapers designed just for swimming, u say?? How convenient!!! YAAAAY!"
Yea, until they actually get wet. Once that happens, they'll become your worst nightmare. And these
 contraptions aren't going on compliant little babies. Imagine trying to put a leotard onto a marlin thats flopping around on the ground.

filling up her bucket

Sounds like a terrible time right? well your wrong because I've got one last tidbit. Prepare to have a BLAST :D watching my little one actually taking in whats going on around her is amazing. Watching her wheels turn as she rediscovers sand between her toes and ocean water... it truly is a beautiful thing.

good picture photo bombed by striped shorts guy

amazed at something in the water. a tiny fish? I cant remember but I am humoring her

another look of astonishment, hehe

here daddy, u hold this tiny nasty thing I found in the water

aaand shes off. "forget u guys! The ocean is callin my name"

Workin hard

aaand taking off again. Relentless I tell you

snack break

too cool for these

Nvrmind. I make these look good

That concludes our beach trip. Hopefully we'll be back again before summer is up.
My face hurt from all the smiling and laughing. And my husbands back. but that was the sunburn because... FREAKIN OUCH! Sure I remember to lather it on the kid and put little on myself and none on my husband. Hes as red as a lopster LOL. Real smart *face palm*.and that is that.
 -Toodles